CHANGE.

Are you still planning on going back to school?


Nine simple words right? No! My boss asked me this today and for some unexplained reason I proceeded to answer her by balling my eyes out. I feel like such a loser, but I just couldn't keep it in. I tried to stop and talk but nothing was happening but tears. Maybe it's all the tragedy I've seen lately with the flood that no one notices but the volunteer state, or the oil explosion where only the wildlife it's affecting is discussed and not the many men who died in the fire, or perhaps the five tornadoes that touched down simultaneously in Oklahoma that has me in a funk. I've got to the point where I can't watch the national news without becoming extremely hostile. To say that the way the media and government has treated middle Tennessee after this disaster is BULL SHIT would be the understatement of the century. I guess I'll have to apologize to whoever I offend before hand, but if this would have happened in Memphis with all the color west of us then Obama would have been all about it. Hell, even Michelle Obama flew over to check on Haiti hours after the earthquake. NEWS TO WASHINGTON>>> Nashville is right here in your backyard! I feel stupid complaining about our silly little leak after seeing the Katrina-like damage in my neighboring areas. I'm not naive, but you'd think someone in a power position would have some type of a conscience, somewhere. The big problem getting acknowledgement from where I'm sitting is the fact that Tennesseans have come together to lend a hand to each other instead of sitting on our asses and waiting for a helping hand from our government. The few looters who have no sole were immediately arrested and put into a make-shift jail seeing as most of ours had at least a foot of water in them. The city was down to half-water capacity and with water moving toward the only working water plant, people came together to sandbag and save a little piece of what was left of Nashville hope. Thank you to Karl Dean for having a plan and working so well to help Nashville feel like everything was under control in the midst of complete chaos. I really could continue ranting about this for some time but I'm exhausted. I can't keep telling other Tennesseans the exact same thing they already know. It doesn't help to wallow in the injustice. Besides, that is not why I started writing this post to begin with.


So why did I cry? I want to know more than anyone. I started this blog feeling so lost. I got over things...sort of. I started studying for my GMAT and planned to go back to school. My Mom has always said I should do something with math because it comes easy so I figured why not accounting. I was content with the idea of becoming a CPA or something. I wasn't ecstatic about it, but when was the last time you heard of someone being in love with their job? I would tell people that my plans were to go into accounting and I practically got the same look or expression from everyone (excluding family). "I don't really see you as an accountant" is what read all over the faces of everyone. This past week it started hitting me. I don't see myself as an accountant either. Sitting behind a desk day after day punching numbers sounds like suicide to me. I'm the type of person who needs some type of creative outlet and wearing suits or 'business casual' and staring at numbers all the time definitely limits that. Why should I waste my time and money going back for another 'stupid' degree that will probably in another five years put me in the same predicament I'm currently in.


I started my college career with a plan. I was going to be an amazing fashion designer one way or another. I planned to study in Europe and work my way up in New York. My mom got married early and when you talk to her you pick up on the fact that she's missed a lot in her life because of it. Sure she'll tell you that she wouldn't change a thing, but then again she has to because two girls came out of it. I'm sure that if she had it all to do all over again...things would be different. Which is why I planned not to marry till I was set in my career. Obviously, plans change. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. He is the only thing in my life that is actually what I want. He's a saint and totally understands and sympathizes with all my crazy. People search their whole lives for something like Wes and I have that. Being with him makes my life worth while. Sadly, I can't be with Wes constantly.


They big question...what do I do now? I need a career. I need something to make me feel full-filled. I want to be able to tell people what I do and feel proud of it. I don't want to be working and going absolutely NOWHERE! I don't want to work part time anymore. I feel bad working only 20 hours at the shop and then not getting the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping all finished because I simply don't want to (I'd rather have a good excuse:). I DON'T WANT TO BE A HOUSEWIFE! I know that some people look forward to nothing more but that's not me. I don't judge those who are house wife's or stay at home Mom's, but I just really wish I could be self sufficient on my own and not have to depend on anyone else to pay my bills. I want to be able to shop and not think Wes' might get annoyed by my spending because I'll make my own money too. I'm open to ideas. So if anyone's listening... please... hhhhhhheeeeeellllllllpppppppp!!!!!!! It's definitely time for change.


If it's all gonna happen sometime...Then why not now?


P.S. After posting I learned that FEMA came through already. That's a huge step and I'm happy that just because people aren't talking about it doesn't mean that they aren't doing anything about it. I have also ruled out a career in writing seeing as I suck at it :) Right Jimbo! I'll try to get better at that as well!