This December, Wes and I have been together for 10 years and we'll be married for 7 come March. We have been very lucky in life. Both of us have been able to find and keep jobs; we bought a great fixer upper and have slowly made it a wonderful home with many amenities; Duke is still with us after 13 years and we added a fireball named Kahlua almost 4 years ago; and last year we grew our family again by adding a son. By all accounts when it came to life- we were winning.
Some things came easy for us, because lets face it we're awesome :) but really the reason Wes and I both are on top is because neither one of us are afraid of work. We aren't afraid to get our hands dirty and spend hours doing something that may take others minutes if it will save us money. We also know the value of the dollar and don't spend what we don't have. We pay our bills in full every month and if we don't think we'll be able to pay in full, we will simply go without. I am lucky to have found a man who thinks of life the way I do and can see the big picture rather than fall victim to the wants of the moment. Is it luck? Or did I will this to be so?
Many may have heard me say from time to time that I believe in the power of will. If you repetitively think of how you want things to work out, then it will be. You must simply send your power to it. So yes- I willed our finances to be so with my budgets, and my calculator, and negotiations. I willed Wes to be my husband once I fell for him with my awesomeness, and thoughtfulness, and love. I even believe I willed our first to be a son with timing, sexual positions, and diet. I had a plan in mind and with relentless determination I willed it to come together.
Everything was happening. True it was not my original life plan, but once I fell for Wes, my planned changed. I knew I was to marry him and be happy forever. We were to have two children when I was 28 and 30. The first to be a boy and the second a girl. We were to put family first and make great traditions and memories to share. I want to be that family that is perfect but in a way that makes us amazing, not annoying. It was going according to plan because I willed it to be.
I was stupid. I assumed I was the one who could plan our life.
As with the plan in my mind, it was time to go for the second child. A child I wanted something fierce, but was too embarrassed to let it be known how bad. Grafton is such an amazing boy. If I could have another just as great I would be in heaven. So Wes agreed to try once we moved back to Nashville because he didn't trust me to be pregnant and moving. (I don't blame him. I don't think I could promise to not lift the heavy items if it meant it would be done sooner.) Nobody gets pregnant the first try unless it's the stupid children so see on Maury or Springer but we did.
Just like before I was super optimistic. My sister is the one who worries about everything under the sun. I'm more go with the flow. What's meant to happen will happen. With Grafton, we never got any of the test to see if he could be disabled. We never even found out the sex of the baby because we wanted a surprise. I had planned to do everything the same. No need to worry. The first one was smooth sailing so the second has to be even more worry free right? We even took a picture to announce the new arrival at only 6 weeks pregnant. I made cards to send out to family and close friends around Thanksgiving. I was on top of this and ready to begin yet another chapter.At almost 7 weeks pregnant we went to the first doctors appointment. You can tell something is wrong by the look on a doctors face. She didn't say a word. She didn't have to. It felt like hours of silence when it was probably less than minute. 'I'm going to send you to a specialist because I'm having a hard time locating the baby. It could be simply that it's too small and behind some of the sac but I want to be sure."
One hour later we are in the hospital. The ultra sound tech pulled in the Radiologist to make sure she was accurate on her findings. An irregular shape to the sac, bleeding, but there's a heartbeat and a baby and a mass. We return to my Doctor for the results. She's optimistic. She wants to be wrong in what she's thinking. At this point we have been with medical staff for over 7 hours. Lots of emotion. Lots of concerns. Lots of prayers. I had been having nightmares of twins since the pee strip showed a plus sign but during the last ultrasound I prayed to God to let it be twins, triplets, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, whatever as long as it was mine. God listened and gave me a heartbeat. I was satisfied for the time.
One week later, same doctor. Same outcome. Another specialist. Another prayer. Different diagnosis. Irregular shape sac, lots of bleeding, no heartbeat, no baby, and a mass. Suspected molar pregnancy. Lots of tears along with a new fear of miscarrying before I make it to the scheduled surgery. Nothing like going through the day thinking every fart will lead to a bleeding delivery of an already dead baby.
One week later, same doctor. Different hospital. Too much WebMD. Me, sleepless, undergoing a D&C with still a sliver of hope or wonder if there was a baby. I even remember asking the CRNA who pulled me out over and over if there was a baby. She reassured me there wasn't. There were not twins, triplets, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, whatever and it was definitely not mine. It was God's.
I didn't think poor me poor me, why of all people did it happen to me. (well maybe I did for a split second) I thought that I deserved this. What an unusual feeling right? I know I have a past full of being a not the greatest person. I'm justmental. I'm selfish. I'm conceded. I'm mean. I'm spoiled. I have hurt many people and I've lied more than I can remember. All of this has been because of my insecurities in life, in myself, in my worth, and in my beliefs.
In the shower, I got down on my knees and cried. I have never felt such a loss in my life. Not only were my children taken away, but I was still getting morning sickness as if nothing had changed, as if it were still happening, as if I didn't just undergo surgery to remove the remnants of my plan. My husband, my mom, my sister were all living their life. Sure they were there for support, but no one knows how to support an empty women. There is no words that make this feeling ok. I don't want pity. I didn't want to hear how everything happens for a reason. I didn't want to hear how I'm so lucky to have one and some people don't even get that. I don't know what I wanted. Maybe to know that my feelings were valid. I loss a child. Sure maybe I didn't get to name it, or see it's face, or know it's sex, but I had plans for it. I was ready to announce it to the world as it was leaving mine. I wanted so bad to have someone to blame for this and I only came up with myself. If this was truly a punishments for my indiscretions then that would mean God is vengeful which I don't believe. Each time I look at Grafton I'm overwhelmed with sadness because he may not get to experience what I did growing up closely with my sister.
I just had my follow up appointment with my doctor yesterday and her initial thought of us being able to try again in around three months has now been pushed back to at least a year, if at all. There goes my plans. I supposed the will wasn't there. My pathology result came back and it was a partial mole. There was one viable child. It couldn't be seen in a basic ultrasound because of the mole. So there was a heartbeat at 7 weeks, but by 8 weeks the unviable child had 'infected' the viable option. So now I know that I was meant to not have two children. An even deeper loss.
Thankfully there were no precancerous cells found, but I now have to go every two weeks for blood checks to make sure my HCG levels improve. If not, then that means not all was removed and it could eventually lead to cancer, which easily spread to my lungs and leads to chemo. Now I realize I'm fast forwarding to the worst case scenario but that is the dark place I'm in right now.
I'm not writing this because I want someone to come solve my problems or feel sorry for me or get pissed at me for feeling this way. I hope that maybe, just maybe, writing this and putting it out there will release some of this anger and let me go back to being thankful for all the other blessings in my life because right now I'm knowingly thinking ridiculousness. I continuously read Facebook updates just to think 'you self absorbed prick that's not even a problem' (just like I'm sure some people who are reading this think). I listen to the stupid possible worries of soon to be parents and I'm envious of them. I can't even look at all the damn pregnancy pics that circulate without wanting to punch them in the face for complaining about their morning sickness or cravings. AT LEAST YOU ARE GETTING A BABY AT THE END. When these feelings end and there is no more sickness or sleepiness or headaches, I will simply have to go back to before if possible. Plus I already gained weight since it was twins and my boobs got big and tender and all the other shit that happens when you're expecting. I pray that soon my body will realize that this thing is not happening and resolve itself. I begin Depo in two weeks to prevent pregnancy for at least a year. I hope the hormones from the birth control will speed the process of returning my body and side effects to normal.
Silver lining is I didn't have to go through more of the pregnancy just to produce a dead baby, but now I feel as if there's a fantom baby haunting me. One thing I know for sure. It is not my plan; it is not my will; it is God's plan and God's will that determines the outcome. It's hard for me to relinquish control, but better late than never.
Whatever-
It is what it is.
Everything happens for a reason.
Life happens.
Blah blah blah
I guess I never meant this more than now.
If it's gonna happen sometime...
than why not now?
